Lady In Red

During the end of my marriage and the months that followed, my life was filled with numerous tasks and challenges. I had legal and administrative tasks to tackle (these seemed innumerable and unpredictable), notifications to make, conversations to have, and problems to solve. Financially, my situation was altering for the worse, and I needed to make some adjustments to compensate. I needed to look for a new place to live, and I needed to rid myself of many of the possessions that I owned.

In the midst of all this, I became fixated on a particular item: A red flowered dress that I had spotted on a (non)shopping excursion. It was a vision to behold – at least in my mind. A sheer red overlay sprinkled with blue flowers, a long white lace-edged skirt underneath, sleeveless with lace-edged armholes and a slight v-neck. I don’t know how – or what – happened, but I became completely certain that this dress represented the “new me.” This was the dress that was a physical representation of the person that I was becoming – and would be – in this new phase of my life.

It was more expensive than I would have liked under normal circumstances, and certainly more expensive than I could afford in the circumstances that I was in. Still, I could not rid myself of the idea that I should have this dress.

For some time, I would have internal dialogues about the dress while I undertook other tasks. They inevitably went something like this:

Me: You do NOT need that dress.

Me: YES, I DO.

Me: Not only do you NOT need it, but you can’t AFFORD it.

Me: Shut up. Let’s go to the store right now. My life is effectively OVER if I don’t have that dress.

Me: Why are you SUCH a drama queen?

Me: Fine. If you want to live in this hell of a life, without a single ray of light, that’s your choice. I – however – won’t be speaking to you anymore.

Me: Good. Then we can finish cleaning the bathroom.

Me: THAT’S IT! If I don’t get that dress I will DIE!

This grew tiring, and – as it interfered considerably with my productivity – I made the decision to purchase the dress.

I have never – not once – regretting making that purchase. The dress, to me, really does represent the successful transition to a new stage in my life. It symbolizes my ability to transform, to adapt, to grow stronger. It is truly a representation of “my skin.”

Since that time, I have not put a lot of thought into the dress or what it represents. Not – that is – until now. One night this week, I was perusing a favorite website when I spotted The Dress. Until I saw it, I did not even realize that The Dress existed. The Dress represents the “me” now – the “me” that has emerged from this most recent (and in many ways, much worse) break-up. I stared, befuddled, at the screen. How could this be? How could a dress once again be a physical manifestation of my person? This time, I knew the importance of the garment. I debated only one night before placing my order. Certainly, this is a time for me to be fiscally conservative. I am about to undertake some significant changes in my life, and cannot afford to make frivolous purchases. This – however – is no frivolous purchase.

The dresses do – of course – mean so much more than their surface value. In life, many of us use our bodies as palates to express our “selves.” I am one of those people. My daily attire is quite telling, as a general rule. It reflects the mood, or the persona, that I have adopted at any given time. My wardrobe is huge and wildly eclectic, filled with the paper doll versions of the “preppy me,” or the “athletic me,” or the “feminine British me.” I am sometimes a wild western woman, and other times the All-American female. I express those personalities because they all exist within me, and might each be a bit more prevalent at different times. I “needed” each of the post-relationship dresses because they represent a “me” that did not exist in my closet before. Their presence is only called upon once I have finally achieved that new identity – the identity that I needed to reach in order to move forward with my life.

When my new dress arrives, I will place it in the closet with the rest of my wardrobe. One day soon, I will take it out. I will fix my hair. I will put on make up and shoes. I will wear The Dress.