I decided that it was time to write when I found myself – in boredom – experimenting with the speed with which I could whirl the arrow (the mouse pointer) on my computer monitor by using the little red controller in the center of my keypad. After a few moments of this, I had achieved quite a high level of speed, but had also made myself a bit dizzy. Take a break, I advised myself. You can work on this some more later this afternoon.
I’ve learned that this position that I’m in vacillates between periods of “dead time” and periods of “urgency” – when all deadlines seem to fall within the same hour or so. Currently, I’m waiting for nearly the entire world to get back to me on one thing or another before I can progress in my own work. This “waiting” has improved my mousing abilities greatly, but done little to stimulate my mind.
When left to its own devices, my mind tends to busy itself in dangerous manners. Thus far today, it has spent a significant period of time compiling a list of all the potential health reasons for my current stiff and painful neck. Last time I checked, it was leaning heavily toward a diagnosis of meningitis. This is annoying, as it will continue to pester me with the dire prognosis until it has been assigned something else to occupy its time.
Also this morning, it spent a (very) long and (very) boring meeting pondering a recent email communication regarding the theory of evolution. This email has taken my mind off in wild directions in its attempt to identify the reasons for – and support of – beliefs that it definitely has, but has never justified to the degree that is now being asked. Unfortunately, a department meeting is NOT the time to be considering such things, which we were harshly reminded of when called upon to answer something work-related.
Focus! I scolded my mind. I TOLD you that would happen.
My mind, chastised, paid attention to the meeting for approximately 2 minutes before fixating on the nail polish of the girl next to me.
Ooh! It enthused, excited. Look at that color! That’s nice… coral-like. Perfect for spring. Do we have a color like that at home? Shouldn’t we? That reminds me… you should paint your toenails for yoga. It grew quiet for a moment, then started up again. Don’t you think, it asked, that brown hair looks best with that color? You know what would REALLY bring it out? A nice bronzer….
By now I was disgusted. This line of thought was NOT what I expected – nor desired - of my mind. As a team, we should be well above such frivolities. We should be solving social and global issues, or contemplating existential questions. At the very least, we could be pondering cultural symbols and how they interrelate.
I sighed heavily, causing a couple of people to look curiously in my direction. There was no denying that the contemplations of evolutionary theory were a much more worthwhile investment of my mind’s time and energy, but the real issue was that THIS WAS NOT THE TIME.
How many different thoughts/trains of thoughts should I reasonably have in my head at any given time? I think I’m averaging 5 – 10 at any randomly selected point in time these days. It doesn’t seem quite right. In an effort to change this, I’ve begun breathing exercises. Feeling a bit silly, I sit at my desk, channeling my mind.
I am breathing in….. I force it to think. I am breathing out…..
Feel my stomach rise….. Feel my stomach fall…..
In a far corner of my head, I hear what sounds like a heavy sigh. As if in a whisper, I can just pick up a quiet, but clearly irritated, thought. This is NOT what I EXPECT of us…. It begins.
I inhale loudly, ignoring the inhabitants of the cubicles around me, and exhale with force.
Ahhhhh….. I am breathing in……
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