Feeling Groovy

On Sunday, my family came to visit and we all went out to lunch. We were joined by N, a family friend who I had not seen for a couple of months. Shortly after sitting down, she looked at me approvingly. “You look,” she declared, “happy.”

I laughed, glibly responding that I didn’t know if I could call it “happy,” but she persisted, insisting that the last few times she had seen me I looked awful. Sure – she used nicer words, but the meaning was clear: I had looked like crap, and she and her husband had been very worried about me. (Believe me; this concern for my welfare had come through quite clearly the last time that I had visited them. I was – and am – eternally grateful for their heartfelt interest in my life.) The lunch went on, and periodically I would catch N discussing my improved appearance/demeanor with my mother.

Later in the day, I began to reflect further upon this. I thought about a conversation that occurred Thursday night, with Tiff. We were enjoying a lovely walk, and I remarked upon the fact that six months ago – at the end of last year – Tiff had told me (with no reservation) that I was “not myself” anymore. I had – she asserted – become a different person, and not in a good way. She agreed, remembering, but also noting that those days had passed. While I was still sad at times, she described it as a “happy sad.”

I know that my friends are right. I can feel my Self coming back. In fact, I know that my Self is back, but is tempered by the lessons that it has learned. I owe much of this return to my friends and family – whose affection and love is true and strong, and wraps me within its nurturing folds. This – I know – is a healthy love. I know this because I have been wrapped in unhealthy love, and it is stifling – snuffing, rather than growing, “my light.”

When I was at the worst point of last year (or well BEFORE the worst point, in Britt’s case), my friends noticed and did not keep silent. With their vocalizations and ongoing support, I knew had the strength to do what needed to be done in order to create a necessary – but painful – ending to a chapter of my life. With my friends by my side, I have moved into the next phase of my life, and it is a good one.

I thought about my weekend, and the week, and the way that I’ve been spending my time in general. Wednesday night with Cathy, Thursday night with Tiffany, Friday night on a double date (dinner and opera), Saturday filled with yoga, lunch/afternoon with Rob, and an evening with my friend Daniel (not to be confused with my friend Dan.) Sunday was spent with my family (featuring Special Guest Jared, on loan from Korea,) N, and an evening with Rob. Interspersed between these engagements were lunches, and phone calls, and emails with many other favorite people. When not with others, I am spending time nurturing my body in yoga, or biking, or in kickboxing. At home, I have an animal family that is endlessly delighted to see me, and is thrilled to bask in my presence.

I thought about all of the laughing that I’ve done recently, and the conversations I’ve had. I’ve loved every moment of them. What is the recurring, underlying theme in all of this activity? With each of these people, I feel a genuine and strong current of affection and care – and it goes both ways. Nowadays, the energy that fills my life is positive. It lies in the smiles, and in the gentle touches, and in the shared words and laughter.

Despite the frustrations that I find myself occasionally feeling (the inevitable side effects of life – pants too tight, new job, noisy neighbors, decisions to make), I am able to spend most of my time occupied with things that make me “me.”

I am – I realize – happy. N was right.