Sleep and I have had a long-term, torrid affair, fraught with frustrations and resentment. While I adore sleep with all of my being, I find that it periodically makes itself elusive to me, often "playing hard-to-get." This sleeplessness directly correlates with other symptoms: a feverish energy, an unusually high level of productivity; a racing mind. Unfortunately, at some point all of these symptoms come to a dramatic and sudden stop, and the exhaustion sets in.
At that point, sleep and I are generally back on good terms. It’s a bizarre cycle, and one that I had not questioned until very recently. It came up in a conversation with a close friend, who was most surprised to learn that I have never attempted to address this issue or – better yet – alter the pattern. Interesting, I mused later. What a novel concept…
This isn’t the first time that this particular person has questioned a behavior that I have learned to ignore or accept. When we discussed my lifelong struggle with headaches, to which I am resigned, shock was expressed by my companion. Why, my companion wondered, aren’t you trying to do something about them?
But I am doing something about my headaches. I know in precisely which situations I am most likely to be afflicted, and those are the situations that I avoid - if life allows for it. Jarring motions, loud noises, high stress, the consumption of processed sugars… the list goes on and on. In addition, I’ve found that with a regular yoga practice my headaches decrease by 75 – 90%. This, I believe, is my solution. Nurture peace, health, and happiness, and headaches won’t follow… That may, actually, be the solution for more than just headaches.
Sleep, however, is a different sort of beast. For that particular struggle, I can fairly safely lay the blame on the culprit for many of my problems – my overachieving, overworking, overindulgent mind. What a frustrating and energy-sapping creature my mind can be. At times I search frantically for the "off" button, seeking a respite that I have yet to find. I can accurately state that I’ve had my mind as long as I’ve had this strange sleep cycle. Coincidence? I think not. The real question, then, is how to re-train my mind? Is there a formula that I can plug in? Mind + x = Restful sleep + Inner harmony.
What could "x"be? This brain of mine is a complicated and frustrating organ, and it seems as if it deliberately tries to befuddle me – to keep me from understanding the true key to calming it. Often, just as I think I’m on to something, it sends me – without warning – in a completely different direction. Take, for example, this excerpt from an internal conversation one sleepless night:
Mind: You are never, never going to catch up with work. Weren’t you supposed to call (name undisclosed) today? Ooooh, you’re in trouble now…. Did you turn in your weekly update? I didn’t think so….
Me: You’re right! I am in trouble. Maybe I should just get up and write those things down, then I could
Mind: Hey! Wait a minute! Did you water the orchids this week? Remember the orchid on the bottom shelf? I think that it may have a disease. Know what? Yesterday we read about that type of wild horse in China that’s probably going to go extinct soon… What was the name of that horse? I think it started with ‘P.’ Hey – remember when you used to read all of those books about wild horses? Remember that girl that sat next to you on the school bus who claimed her grandpa
Me: You know, I AM trying to sleep. Now I only have five hours before I need to get up for work, and I need to be alert tomorrow!
Mind: I was thinking that we may need to start taking CoQ10 supplements…. I think that they might be pretty important. Did you pay the credit card bill? Oh – there’s that movie that opens this weekend. Didn’t we tell someone that we’d go see it? I really enjoyed that trip to Canada. The trees at that waterfall were so vibrantly yellow… What is going on with the deforestation in the world? How much of Brazil’s rainforest has been razed? What is the current status of the Florida Panther? Wasn’t it on the endangered species list? Why do people need to drive everywhere – including through the Everglades? Couldn’t that be a no-car zone, like that island off of Michigan? Why do people feel the need to develop everything?
Me: Great. Now I’m feeling upset about the panther again. You know that always makes me think of the cougar problem in California. Why did you have to bring that up?
As you might imagine, it’s often easier, after listening to this barrage of thoughts for any extended period of time, to simply get out of bed and take on a series of (hopefully distracting) tasks. As a technique, however, (now that I’m really considering it) it may be flawed. After all, what I am essentially doing is working myself into such a state of physical exhaustion – after multiple days and nights of this – that my body is forced to overpower my mind to insist upon sleep. Hmmm. How irritating it is when someone else forces you to reexamine elements of yourself…
Still, now that the question has been raised, I do feel the need to explore this "x" factor.
No doubt I’ll spend many a sleepless night pondering the mystery of its identity…
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