The Force Is With Me

My electromagnetic field is very powerful today. I know this because it has been wreaking havoc all day long, and has – frankly – made my life more difficult than it needs to be.

I should have suspected something right away this morning, when my cell phone – which had been fully charged – dropped down to two out of four bars the second that I picked it up to look at it. Naively, I wrote this off as a fluke and proceeded to “go about my business.” A few hours later, I found myself in a battle of wills with my computer, which insisted upon going through a series of program failure after program failure. As if this weren’t enough, the minute that I would return programs to functioning status it would begin firing irritated messages at me and would beep irrationally and repeatedly. Annoyed, I turned it off and went to yoga class.

My successful yoga class lulled me into a false sense of security, so I was especially unprepared for the afternoon’s largest surprise – the mutiny of the car alarm. My car’s alarm is controlled by a (normally) useful remote control. This control is useful precisely because it tends to function correctly and does – actually – enable or disable the alarm. I assure you that the usefulness of this device decreases DRAMATICALLY when it begins enabling and disabling the alarm ON A WHIM, and very much WITHOUT my input.

Imagine my surprise when I found myself DRIVING a vehicle while the alarm blared – quite loudly – in my ears. Most unfortunately, it was also blaring in the ears of everyone surrounding me. As I frantically pressed the buttons on the remote – disregarding their actual intended purpose – I struggled to both maintain control of the vehicle and to appear oblivious to the honking and wailing of my car.

“What noise?” Is the question that I very much hoped that I was conveying through my eyes, which were fixed on the road before me and refused to make contact with any of the nearby humans. “Shouldn’t someone do something about that car alarm?” asked my slightly raised eyebrows. “Whoever is allowing that racket to continue is a TOTAL moron. Idiot.” added my slightly wrinkled nose, always supportive of the rest of the facial efforts.

In the meantime, my hands were determined to accomplish the mission that they had accepted. They attacked the vehicle’s remote control – which hung, suspended, from the keychain in the ignition – with a vengeance, smashing it about this way and that, searching for its Achilles’ Heel, or – at the very least – for the stupid battery. The poor things had no idea that there was no hope for them: The Force was too great. It wasn’t until my electromagnetic field changed currents that the alarm finally ceased its embarrassing and obnoxious Ode To Chaos.

I should have called it a day after that episode, but – foolishly – I believed that I could save myself by simply avoiding all electronics. How could I forget that we – humans – are made of electricity? That is the only explanation that I can come up with for my bizarrely irrational thought processes for the remainder of the day. I won’t get into the specifics, but I will say this: It is a VERY bad sign when you find yourself arguing with yourself and winning. I’m hoping that my system will whip things under control overnight, and that tomorrow I will arise once again rational, and clear-headed. (I can’t say that this has ever happened in the past, even on the best of days, but if there’s one thing that I can be good at it’s optimism.)

Closing thought: Tomorrow, if you wake up to the sound of your alarm going haywire, or if your microwave decides for itself the length of time that your coffee needs to be heated, take my advice and GO BACK TO BED.